Back at Lisa’s, Dean goes into Ben’s room to talk. Ben says he’s not going to apologize — that it was an emergency. It’s the third date.
Ben: I watch TV. I know what that means.
Dean looks a little disturbed — but I’m not sure if it’s the thought of Lisa sleeping with another man or that Ben understands the implications of “3rd date.” Dean sits down on the bed next to Ben and I have to tell you, I melted a little with how he talked to the kid. How he looked at him — like this was where he wanted to be, if only he could align the stars.
Dean tells Ben that Lisa is a grown up and needs to go out. Ben breaks my heart by asking, “Can’t you come home? Say you’re sorry and come home?”
Dean says he can’t. Ben’s like, “Can’t or won’t?” Dean’s like, both. Ben wants to know why he is mad a Lisa, at him, trying to find out why it can’t be like it was before, when Dean was there and life was as close to normal as those three ever had. Dean tells him with grave seriousness that it isn’t Ben — Ben did nothing wrong.
Dean: Just ‘cause you love someone doesn’t mean you should stick around and ruin their life.
Wow. That sentence has multiple layers for Dean’s life — and not just with Lisa and Ben, and not just from Dean’s point of view. I wonder if we’ll come back to that at any point.
Ben: You think something bad will follow you home?
Dean (hastening to reassure him so that he’s not scared all the time): No, but I think my job turns me into someone that can’t sit at your dinner table.
Oh, Dean. *rubs heart* I wish he could see himself as others see him. As Ben sees him. He’s no more a killer than any soldier in a war. Any warrior or guardian who kills to protect another. To protect those he loves.
Dean: If I stayed, you’d end up just like me.
Ben: Why do you say it like you’re so bad?
Dean: You’ve got a shot at living any life you want. Pick one. Pick five!
There’s a great shot facing them as they look to the side at each other, both in profile. It’s one of those moments you just want to freeze your TV for a bit because you can feel it’s the last time it’s going to happen for awhile. Or…forever.
Ben: You’re a liar, Dean. You say family is so important, but what do you call people who care for you…who love you even when you’re a dick?
Dean’s face collapses a bit around his eyes as he tries both to take in every word and block out Ben’s honesty at the same time.
Ben: You know you’re walking out on your family.
He just doesn’t get a break. If he stayed with Lisa and Ben — now, I mean, not before when Sam didn’t have a soul — he’d be leaving Sam out there with a poorly-constructed wall in his brain protecting him from mental detonation. And the way Dean sounded at the start of this episode, the emotion in his voice and eyes at the thought that he might’ve lost Sam, you know he can’t do that. He can’t leave his brother like this, not now.
But in choosing Sam, he leaves two people behind that love him and could offer him a different kind of peace than he’s ever known in his ‘normal’ life. He could have a family — his family. And either way he chooses, he hurts someone. And what he wants is buried so far down inside of him he doesn’t know how to find it.
*has to take a breath*
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