What I couldn’t help but go to is something someone said to me in a comment on a ‘friend locked’ post on LJ—about how family may not end in blood, but sometimes it takes more than blood to make a family. Like probably everyone else here, I have some not-so-fun family issues. Family as in parents and siblings. Issues that cause me a lot of heartache and pain and have sometimes put the family I’ve made for myself—my husband and daughter—in different forms of jeopardy.
The family I created with them is what really matters to me. I will protect them from my blood-family. Even though I love my blood-family fiercely. And I will turn myself inside out to try to help my blood-family if I can. Just…not at the expense of my husband and daughter. It hurts to be in that middle ground. It hurts so much sometimes I can’t breathe right. And it makes me angry. Really angry sometimes.
And all I could think of as Dean hung up from Lisa and went a little limp, his eyes slightly glassy, was that it wasn’t fair that he couldn’t have that family he’d created for himself. Because that pain? The pain I feel sometimes? Is a helluva lot better than not having the created family at all.
And I couldn’t help but agree with Lisa a little bit. As long as Sam remains the focus of Dean’s life (I disagree on the ‘as long as he’s in your life’ point…he’s ALWAYS going to be in Dean’s life), he’s not going to have a chance to be happy. Because you can’t make someone else responsible for your happiness—even subconsciously. You have to find a way to do it yourself—make your own family, make your own peace. It won’t be Sam’s fault that Dean’s not happy. But Sam will be the catalyst because of the position of importance Dean put his brother in.
But that’s just me.
Just so you know, I’m on board with Dean focusing on Sam right now, because for the sake of the story, we have to find out what’s going on and what it’s going to mean to BOTH of them….
Sam’s looking around Cory’s room and finds a sewing box under her bed with what looks like a cat skull in it. Guess her cat didn’t exactly…run away…so much as was…sacrificed to the cause. He heads out and runs into Dean on the stairs who is all, we gotta talk and you’re gonna tell me the truth.
Sam looks totally confused and is like…yeah, of course…oh, wait, are you saying you’re….
Dean: When that vamp attacked me, why did you just stand there?
Sam looks like he’s struggling a little. I’m not sure if it was struggling against telling the truth, or struggling to find a good enough lie. But he definitely fidgets.
Sam: I froze.
Dean: YOU froze. You’ve been Terminator since you got back.
Sam (with eyes slightly dewy, looking around): I don’t know…shock? Then it was too late.
Suddenly I realized what his expressions reminded me of: Tall Tales. When Dean’s version of the story was over-doing Sam’s “You’re too precious for this world…” expression. Sam was trying too hard to show the right kind of remorse and angst.
Sam: I feel terrible. Believe me. Dean, I can’t lie here. Do you really think I would let something like that happen on purpose? You’re my brother—
Dean stops the endless stream of frantic words by simply saying, “Okay.” He rolls his lip against his teeth in that way he does when he’s barely hanging on. First time we saw it was in Home when he’s on the phone with John’s voicemail asking for help. Ever since then it has kicked me in the heart.
Dean: I thought I saw something. I guess I was wrong. It’s just…been a really bad day.
He rubs his forehead and drags his hand down his face. Sam kinda awkwardly claps him on the shoulder and says, “Hey, it’s okay. I got your back. I always have.” You brave little soldier.
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