He’s always had a very special way of breaking my heart. Either through bravado and brashness or submission and a quiet folding inside himself. But this whole situation is making me ache for him. And perhaps I’m being overly dramatic. It is what it is. I am just honestly amazed that he’s keeping it together as well as he is.
Because he’s always had his soul, he’s always cared. Too much. And yeah, he was never locked in a cage with Michael and Lucifer to take out their frustrations on, so his soul wasn’t damaged to that extent—not even close, because he came back a fully functioning, caring human. And obviously I was mistaken in my thinking that it was because Castiel pulled him out since Cas said he wouldn’t begin to know how to fix Sam’s soul.
But now, after years of fighting and surviving and protecting…after dying and experiencing multiple levels of torture…after being thrust back into life to find a new balance…after standing next to his brother through addiction and betrayal…after being beaten nearly to death and watching with a shattered heart as his brother made the ultimate sacrifice…after living an entire year thinking his brother was going through the unthinkable and learning a lifestyle he’d never known before…after getting his brother back from the dead—only, not really…Dean finds himself faced with an impossible situation.
Part of Sam is here, with him. But the part that made Sam his brother, the part that gave Sam his heart and his life and his humanity is still trapped in Hell and what that part is going through is…unimaginable. And Dean can’t fix this—he can’t protect his brother and he can’t shield himself. Sam’s soul has to suffer because putting it back into the hollow Sam could destroy them both and then Dean will have lost everything and Sam—all of him, this time—will truly experience Hell. And Dean has to find a way to survive that or fight it and what kind of a choice is that?
Either way, it sure looks like he’s not going to be able to ever heal. Hell still chases him—that much was evident tonight with that dead-eyed, stone-face stare he gave Meg when she referenced Alistair. And Sam has made it abundantly clear that he will not be forced into doing something he hasn’t decided he wants to do for his own reasons.
There’s only so much Dean can do at this point, and I really don’t know how I feel about that, either. The worst part is…Dean’s alone. Sam might be riding around in the car with him, and Bobby might be a phone call away, and Cas might want to be there, but the reality is, Dean’s utterly alone in this and that is the one thing he’s worked so hard to avoid all of his life. *rubs heart*
Okay, I think I’m ready to ramble now. I’ll try not to bore you.
We start with Crowley torturing himself. No, seriously. It’s the Alpha Shifter and he’s made himself into Crowley, which I have to admit would be a wonderfully effective deterrent to torture, were you not dealing with The King Of Hell. The Alpha Shifter continues to assert that he doesn’t know where Purgatory is. Crowley wants him to appreciate how hard he worked to find something that would actually hurt the shifter: iridium (is that right?).
Crowley: You start talking, or I start chopping off the bits that stick out.
The shifter continues to resist. Crowley holds up a baby monitor and says that the prison has a nursery. You can hear babies crying on the monitor. Crowley uses them as leverage and says he’ll fillet them as the shifter watches.
Shifter: Kill them all. We’ll make more.
Weary of the whole thing, Crowley chops off the shifter’s head with a snarky, “Guess I kinda lost my head.”
Okay, so what I want to know is…did he really have those babies?? And if so, what happened to them?? I know they were monsters and all, but…they were babies. Even Dean couldn’t kill the shifter baby. When Cas 86’d the monsters at the end…were the babies included?? *bites lip* Did I use enough question marks????
Next thing you know, the Impala pulls up outside what looks like a big power plant. A large, black SUV and two mobster-wannabe demons are waiting for them. Dean hauls a guy wearing a black hood out of the back seat and hands him over to one of the demons.
Dean: Traffic was a bitch.
Sam: One rugaru.
It’s unclear to me if that was the Alpha rugaru or just a worker-bee rugaru. It’s quickly obvious, though, that the guys have been hauling in Bad Guys and handing them over to Crowley’s henchmen without seeing hide nor hair of the King for quite some time. Dean asks where Crowley is.
Demon: Banging a hooker in a sweet spot called none of your business.
Dean: Lookit that, Sam! A demon trying to be funny.
Dean wants to know if they’re ever going to see Crowley again, but the demon is all taunty and claims to not understand him because he doesn’t “speak bitch.” Dean’s face sasses back, but he doesn’t say anything as the demons leave.
So, while Crowley might’ve said he’d give them Sam’s soul in exchange for a fiddle of gold—er, sorry, I mean an Alpha, it’s evident he knew how hard it would be to get an Alpha and happily kept the boys in indentured servitude bringing in baddies. Which, on one hand, they’re getting the baddies off the streets. But…on the other hand….
Dean: Remember when we used to gank demons?
Yeah. There is that.
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